GOTHAM NEWS: Women paying 200 bucks for bird poop facial…

Seeing people get pooped on by birds is funny as hell, period.  Sometimes I think it’s a conspiracy or something, like I’m next, because I’ve seen a few too people fall victim to the embarassment of unwanted bird dookey shampoo.

I’ve also started my day feeling like somebody farted in my Folgers after seeing a pigeon shit collage tattoo’d onto my Impala a few too many mornings out of my work week…I swear, pigeon hunting should not be illegal if you could provide valid proof that you shot the exact bird that took the dump on your whip.

…and trust me if they passed that law, I’d be one of the first idiots waiting for a bird to even poke it’s butt into the vacinity of my whip….

…and that is exactly how I’d be dressed too, I’d prolly go find out where they feed and take their baths at and just go Hiroshima on they asses when it’s all said and done….and no I ain’t crazy, I’m just tired of getting shitted on….by ANYTHING that life has to secrete…

The complete opposite of me of course is this lady:

This brave lady right here is paying $180 to get some asian woman to massage bird shit into her pores….

…while listening to “soft, asian mood music”…(sounds kinky)

“It doesn’t feel as abrasive as some other facials and it smells organic,”it doesn’t tingle or burn. It just sort of stays there. It’s a really simple, calming facial.”–Erin Zantello-Clary, regular customer

The treatment is the brainchild of Shizuka Bernstein , owner of Shizuka New York located in [DUH!]…Apparently, it is an old Japanese custom that the Geisha girls use to use to get all of that heavy makeup off their faces…

“At the time, the make-up contained lead, which was very damaging to their skin,” she continued. “So they tried everything to take it off and nothing worked. And then they tried the nightingale droppings and it not only worked, but it left their skin smooth.”—Shizuka Bernstein, spa owner of Shizuka New York

Out of allll of the things I’d ever think of that the chick from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon used to get the white stuff of her face, I’d NEVER think of bird dookey…though..for some reason, I think she was giving us hints though…

….Seems like a side effect of bird dookey is flight…

Flight Recipe

1) Scoop of Hot Asian Chick

2) 1 cup of bird shit

3) An ounce of weed

and BOW:  …and THATS how Peter Pan created Tinkerbell…

But hold up, don’t start thinking that you can just find any old Tweety bird and ask him to use your face as his thong to get rid of the acne and wrinkles…nope, not unless you live in an area that has nightingales flying around with their bird buttocks open for business….

What’s a nightingale?…That >> 

I’ve heard of nightingales but always thought that it was like a made up word, you know Freedom…but lo and behold, they do exist (shouts out to the M&Ms commercial)…

I did some research and found that nightingales are mainly found in Europe, Asia and Africa, which is why Ms. Bernstein can charge her clients a college student’s car note payment to get smoother, younger looking skin (commercial) with a smile and a guarantee that they won’t be able to get a facial like this anywhere else…

You smell that Mario?  

….that’s the smell of an R. Kelly endorsement coming very soon…The Newly Acquitted Nightingale of R&B may even find the time to donate some of his own famous, er, production…we can call it an R.Kelly Sample for your FACE…(Must be 18 and older of course)

So talk about the Europeans having jacked up teeth, talk about the Asians being short, talk about the African’s being dirty…but when they wake up in the morning they can do something we Americans can’t….and head out to begin their days overjoyed, because they have fresh facial creme waiting for them on their car windshield…

…definitely saves money on buying lotion…

: Good shit guys!

What’s that? How does it smell you ask? Well since the poop is sanitized using ultra-violet lights, Shizuka Bernstein’s clients are saying that the only word that can accurately describe the auroma of the substance…is “doughy”

“The Geisha Facial smells doughy and is applied during a 50-minute facial, leaves her skin feeling softer and makes her pores appear smaller”—Fox News

At $180 a facial, and an extra 20 bucks if you want Shizuka Bernstein to apply it herself, I think Ms. Bernstein can definitely agree that ‘dough’ is a smell that she’s gotten quite use to…



About mBATS

Posted on August 12, 2008, in GOTHAM NEWS and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. DUMB ASS LADY! She made me angry because i know she have pigeons around her house. SHe could of caught one of them birds, waited for it to shit, and then put it on her damn own face instead of spending 200 on that bird shit. DUMB ASS LADY!

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