GOTHAM NEWS: Cops cock block V-Day role play


The dust has cleared from Valentine’s Day and the world is back to normal. If you’re in the NOLA area your mind is on Mardi Gras and if you’re anywhere else…well, I have no clue what you could be thinking about aside from having to go to work on Tuesday while my entire city will be partying, getting f**ked up, exchanging beads for t!ts, pissing outside, illegally parking, dancing wildly, eating good, smoking great, drinking awesomely, one night standing, praying, repenting and doing all of the walking you’ll ever need to do for the entire year (while HUNG OVER). It’s CARNIVAL SEASON. Yeah….we find reasons to not have to work down here, it’s a perk.

While I have no problem with the idea of Valentine’s Day as an occasion to show your love to the person you care for the most (why can’t it be a month and let us pick whichever day we want to show the love on?), it’s basically become a holiday for the stores to guilt you into the obligation of having to spend money to prove your love to someone that you prove this to everyday or could prove it in anyway you feel on any other day, while trying to make the single people resent their current relationship statuses and conning them into thinking that they’re lonely so they try harder to find someone to be with for one night (or potentially forever) and spend more money to appease Cupid or some sh!t.  The girlfriends gloat while the single chix hate, the single men hide while the married men try to either top last year for the millionth time or fail and hope they still get some by the end of the night, the players go broke while the actual lonely folk get to sit back and rationalize to themselves (and others) as to why they don’t care that they’re lonely. One big heart aching entertaining mess of a day with literal and figurative erections (highs) and impotencies (lows) depending on your situation (and Twitter Timeline) and by February 16th all has either been forgotten or beaten into apathetic submission. Life goes on….unless you’ve been arrested on this day for being caught in the middle of S&M bondage Vday sex…

A Portland, Ore., couple was arrested on Valentine’s Day after cops mistook a bound and naked woman in the back of a car for a crime in progress, The Los Angeles Times reported.

Nikolas Harbar, 31, was only “role-playing” when he allegedly tied up, [and duct taped the mouth of] his naked girlfriend, 26-year-old Stephanie Pelzner and threw her in the back of his Subaru in the early afternoon, according to a police report.—The Huffington Post

Hey, there’s nothing at all wrong with role playing. Ask Rihanna

Rihanna went on quite a spending binge, plunking down more than $1,500 in a sex shop.

While in Paris late last week, Rihanna made a pitstop at Lovestore. The self-proclaimed only girl in the world swept through the boutique, picking out toys, handcuffs, scented candles and lingerie.

“She knew exactly what she was after and didn’t want any assistance picking out items,” a source told The Sun. “A blacked-out car parked on the pavement right outside the shop … There was no dithering. She was grinning from ear to ear and seemed to be in a hurry to get back to her hotel.” — THE NY POST

“Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium in Ottawa, where she cracked whips, then spent $1,000-plu$ on handcuffs, a riding crop/whip, bustier, pasties, boots, edible undies, collar and leash, spandex hood and…a chocolate p*nis! Said the salesbabe: “Have fun.” Purred Rihanna: “I always do!” —SOHH.COM

My weekly excuse to post sexy Rihanna's pix

If you’re going to have sex with the same person until you’re both ‘seasoned’ citizens, then some extra spice is definitely necessary to keep the sexpot bubbling.  But, unless you’re in Europe where the public nudity laws and sexual oddities are a bit more accepted, you’re going to eventually run into cop cockblockers and neighborhood ‘bird’ watchers.

“It began shortly after noon on Tuesday, when someone at the New Seasons Market in north Portland reported that they had seen a naked female with duct tape on her mouth tied up in the back of a blue Subaru Legacy.

The man driving the car had told the witness they “were just having some fun,” police said in their report, but the woman in the back of the car “seemed hazy.”

The witness phoned in the license plate to the car, and the search was on.” —-The Los Angeles Times

While in the minds of the couple they probably see this witness as a snitch who wouldn’t mind their own lonely V-day business so he/she had to hate on their perverse happiness….and I can’t lie, I see a little bit of that too

…buut, I can’t hate on the witness for not knowing that they weren’t witnessing an Elizabeth Smart themed abduction, but really were being made into an audience of one to a porn traveling theatre piece live at their neighborhood supermarket parking lot.    The obvious place where this S&M couple went wrong was taking the role play out of the house.  Yes, “the world is a stage and the people merely players in it” but not for role play, unless you’re looking for an Oz inspired character study.

If you’re going to have outdoor sex, you can’t make it obvious. Duct taping your naked girlfriend and tossing her into the back of a car in the open parking lot during the Valentine’s Day…..hmmmm

The f**king idiots should’ve called Sasha Baron Cohen or Ashton Kutcher to play as their back up.

Borat saves lives man….

“Authorities in Washington state were alerted, in case the car traveled north across the state line on Interstate 5. Portland police began combing the city’s streets, while a patrol car zeroed in on the address where the car was registered.”–The Los Angeles Times

“They had already sent at least nine patrol cars to look for the sex fiends”— Fox News 

It’s Valentine’s Day, you’ve given her her gift…now just like ya’ll discussed the night prior, you’re taking your sex life to the next level.  You pull into your driveway expecting to have some of the dirtiest, KINKiest, BrazzerDotCOMerish, naked Oscar award winning sex ever only to be hacked up by the pig patrol. With a naked woman tied up in your backseat, you KNOW you’re going to jail no matter what. Your options are to either be The Smurf Man or a Dawsonite.

********GOTHAM DEFINITION********

Dawsonite: Disciple of Ben Clifford Dawson, a pioneer in the old folks community for being the oldest known male prostitute city councilman in the United States. Dawsonites are old a$$ men trying to have sex for money.

On Tuesday, police arrested Ben Clifford Dawson, an 83-year-old candidate eying a seat on the Centerville, Iowa, city council, for alleged prostitution, according to TV station KTVO.

Dawson, allegedly told Melissa Drew that he’d shave some money off her debt to him if he could perform unspecified sexual acts on her, a police report said.

Dawson made the offer several times after he loaned her several thousand dollars in June, Chief of Police Tom Demry said to HuffPost. At the time of the original transaction, Drew says Dawson grabbed her and kissed her neck, station KCCI says.—The Huffington Post

Smurf Man: The Smurf Man is the idiot father who accidentally subjected his children and their friends to porn at his kid’s Smurf themed birthday party.

 The man had rented a copy of “The Smurfs” from a Redbox kiosk and loaded the disc into his laptop. But when he turned the projector on for the children, pornographic images flashed on the screen.

Authorities got involved when the father complained somebody had tampered with the DVD. Pol ice found nothing wrong, saying the porn was probably on the laptop.

***************************************

The most recent ‘Dawsonite’ reporting was this guy: 
74 year old Thomas Mills of Myrtle Beach, S.C.

Mills first flashed his car headlights to get the officers’ attention. He then “asked about the size of the U/C officers genitals, asking to see them.”

Mills then allegedly offered to give and receive oral sex from the officers.—The Huffington Post

This Mills guy tried to suck the officer’s d!ck and got locked up. While, the Smurf Man knew that the porn was his, lied on Redbox, even called the police himself knowing that the children’s parents would probably call the cops on him the next day, lied to the officers, had the police try to fix the DVD for him, they saw nothing was wrong with the DVD and let him off the hook. Moral of the story? Either find a great story to pitch the pig…or try to suck his d!ck, but know that no matter what…a$$ kissing or d!ck sucking will land you in jail regardless. Soo…choose wisely.

By 12:56 p.m., the Subaru drove up, and when officers closed in, Harbar told them the couple was “doing some Valentine’s Day role-playing,” the police report said. Police confirmed from Pelzner “that she was voluntarily bound and nude in the back of the Subaru”-The Los Angeles Times

Busted at their own house, on their own  premises, they chose to suck a lil cop cock with some truth on top of it…and…

Not feeling in a loving mood — especially since at least nine police cars were tied up for 20 minutes during the search — authorities booked both of them into the Multnomah County Jail.—The Los Angeles Times

SMURF MAN WINS AGAIN. Sure a bad lie will put you in jail anyway, but hey, when all else fails, if you’re going down at least go down with a damn good story to tell right? Right?

Well hey, at least they have a Valentine’s Day to remember forever. Maybe they can come down to NOLA for Carnival and try their live porn theatre piece on one of the streets somewhere off Bourbon. At least then, they may just fit in with all of the rest of the craziness that’s going to be going on…during Mardi Gras season you only get arrested for fighting and pissing outside, apparently screwing in public may just get a pass. Hell, it beats a freaking grocery store parking lot in Portland after all.

Since the arrest, the Portland Police Bureau’s Facebook page has been flooded with comments, most from citizens wondering why people can’t be left to their own devices in the backs of their cars.

“Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters,” one man wrote.

“Keep Portland weird, man,” urged another.

Others offered helpful suggestions for pursuing the case: “She should be booked for not wearing her safety belt.”

Police say they had no way of knowing they weren’t looking for a potential murder victim.

“The concern is their actions created a pretty substantial public alarm, to the point where you have a 911 caller saying she’s concerned about this person tied up naked in the back of a car,” Lt. Robert King, bureau spokesman”—-The Los Angeles Times.

 
WELP! Looks like Portland is weirder than I gave it credit for, either way I say the guy’s lucky. ..
Harbar and Pelzner were arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, but released later that day. –The Huffington Post
….lucky he wasn’t BLACK! Because #IfHeWasBlack with a tied up, duct taped, naked white chick in his back seat, this would’ve been a front page story with an obituary attached and a made for TV Spike Lee Movie waiting to happen. #RaceCard. Yah! YAH I PULLED IT!
It’s Black History Month damn it, which means I can pull all the race cards I want until February 29th!  ….yeah, February 29th!
-BATS-
For More GOTHAM NEWS  click here
Also check out the FLYWITHBATS  section for editorials.

About mBATS

http://www.twitter.com/MisterBats

Posted on February 19, 2012, in GOTHAM NEWS and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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