GOTHAM NEWS: When robbing goes STUPEFIED! The DumbA$$ Edition
I just finished watching The Town (#late), an awesome movie about a group of bank robbers in Boston, directed by and starring Ben Affleck. It kept reminding me of a white male version of Set It Off….
Ben Affleck is usually hit or miss when it comes to his acting chops, depending on the role he’s either going to rip it or rip one, but this was definitely Affleck in top form on all fronts. After seeing a movie about a tight knit, super professional band of thieves, it’s a huge let down to plug my mental channel back into real life and run across the following three dumba$$es calling themselves “robbers.”
I blame Gumby..
But, before I get to them…I’ve got to award the DUMBA$$ of the week trophy to Gary Allen Banning, God rest his soul. Yes, before I tell you about his dumba$$ery I must let you know in advance that he’s dead. Now, I know, it’s not polite to talk ill of the dead…but best believe, if I could have met him in person before he died or if he had lived, I would have DEFINITELY told him he was a dumb ass to his face and I’m sure you would all agree…..and those that don’t…
HAVELOCK, N.C. — Police say a North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline…..—Huffington Post
Apparently Gary Banning’s dumba$$ (R.I.P) mistook a can of gasoline for apple juice and took a swig….because YES apple juice and gasoline smell exactly the same.
Once swallowing the apparent Skittles brand petroleum, his stomach tells him that this isn’t the crushed fruit essence his nose told him it was, but something that would probably kill the average non-Bender
(#Futurama) man…or at least get him sick. Lucky for Banning though, his body was too dumb to know when to die (or get sick) and instead he threw the gasoline up saving his life.
No, the gasoline isn’t what killed Banning, if the story ended here I wouldn’t be poking at his BBQ’d zombie carcass. If he died from a drink mix up, it’d be a sad accident, if he survived It would just be a funny story that he could tell at parties and his friends would forsake his obvious idiocy and see it as God giving him another chance and him lucking out. But one thing is certain, when God gives you a second chance you’re suppose to make better choices than you did the first time. Drinking gasoline = stupid. Throwing it up and not being sick = Divine Intervention…
” …and then [he] smoked a cigarette. Banning went outside to smoke a cigarette and burst into flame. Banning was transported to UNC Burn Center in Chapel Hill, where he died early Tuesday morning.” — The Huffington Post
Smoking = A stupefied suicide sandwich made with all natural ingredients
The idiot drank gasoline, threw it up on his clothes…then smoked a cigarette. Self Inflicted Firebombing #SMH. Here’s hoping that fire isn’t allowed in heaven, that instead of cigarettes there’s mountains off fireproof odorless weed and that it doesn’t require common sense to stay there for eternity. #RIPBanning
Now on to the dumba$$ robbers…
In the spirit of Ben Affleck’s ‘The Town’…we’re going to measure the idiot levels with Team America Matt Damon Puppet Heads. 1 to 5 scale.
DUMB ASS #1: JASON ENGEL
Jason Engel is charged with robbing a two year old’s piggy bank
Engel was charged by Stowe Township police in August after a woman accused him of stealing $60, a cellphone and some condoms after she kicked him out of her home. The woman later discovered half dollars and silver dollars had been taken from her son’s piggy bank and police filed charges including burglary and theft.—Huff Post
I feel him on stealing the condoms, if you’re going to kick me out..then hell nah, I’m not going to be supplying the rubbers for the next guy you allow to mayonnaise your patty in my place. But c’mon dude, you’re going to steal FOUR HUNDRED dollars from a babies piggy bank?
Now, NO this robbing a pre-Preschooler doesn’t make him a dumba$$ necessarily, there’s another type of ass this act of nonsense awards him…
But the dumba$$ery comes into play when you look at the fact that after stealing $400 from a woman’s baby boy and ending up on Most Wanted Lists all around the city, WHY would you go to work the next day?
“Engel was on the Allegheny County Sheriff’s “Most Wanted” list before someone who recognized his mug shot reported he worked at the supermarket, where he was arrested Wednesday.” — Huff Post
If you committed a crime and left a witness, it goes without saying that it’s time to bounce from that area, lay low, disappear, find Jesus…wh I guess he must’ve thought the woman was just gonna take the “L”…but tell me, what (SOBER) woman you know is going to “take the L” when her child is involved?
As a matter of fact, he WAS a dumba$$ for stealing from the 2 year old because that put him in a no-win situation. NO money. NO freedom. NO respect. NO job. NO crib. NO pu$$y. That many “L”s caught at once is a self inflicted CTRL, ALT, DELETE (or Option, Command, Esc #MACs) as he’ll likely realize while in jail. No, he isn’t in jail yet…but check this out..
“The public defender for 21-year-old Jason Engel, of Pittsburgh, hasn’t immediately returned a call for comment Thursday.” —Huff Post
He can’t even afford a REAL lawyer….Public defender? He’s DONE.
DUMB ASS #2: MARK BURGIN
Mark Burgin is charged with robbing a jewelry store while being on lunch break from a trial in which he was trying to plead innocent for…a robbery.
A man on trial for robbery was arrested Friday after the jury delivered a guilty verdict. His crime? Authorities say he pulled a heist while on a lunch break from his trial a day earlier.
The Tennessean reports that police waited for a jury’s decision in Mark Burgin’s trial before immediately charging him in the theft of $45,000 worth of jewelry from a nearby Franklin, Tenn., jeweler.—The Huffington Post
<Break for lunch. Back in session>
Not only did this guy rob while being on trial for a robbery, but he robbed from a store under a block away and ran in broad daylight back into the courthouse…everyone knew he did it before court was even back in session.
A clerk noticed he was wearing a Rolex watch, and saw that a nearby display watch was missing. The clerk confronted him about the watch and he returned it. But when the clerk noticed several other pieces missing and asked Burgin about them, he fled and apparently returned to court about a block away.
“He was just a grab and run,” said Mike Walton, owner of Walton’s Antique and Estate Jewelry.—-Huff Post
No dumba$$ I’m jokingly saying that you should’ve killed yourself for being such an idiot….dumba$$ ruined my poignant ending…
The cabbie, who is female, feared her passenger was going to leave without paying so she blocked his car with the taxi and got the attention of an officer at the station.—Huff Post
Posted on March 6, 2012, in GOTHAM NEWS and tagged Ben Affleck, cab fare, Drank Gasoline and smoked cigarette, Dumbass, Gary Allen Banning, Jason Engel, Mark Burgin, Matt Damon, Morris Bart, Planet of the Apes, Robber, taxi, The Town, Trevor Gladston. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.