GOTHAM NEWS: When robbing goes STUPEFIED! The DumbA$$ Edition


I just finished watching The Town (#late), an awesome movie about a group of bank robbers in Boston, directed by and starring Ben Affleck. It kept reminding me of a white male version of Set It Off….

Ben Affleck is usually hit or miss when it comes to his acting chops, depending on the role he’s either going to rip it or rip one, but this was definitely Affleck in top form on all fronts. After seeing a movie about a tight knit, super professional band of thieves, it’s a huge let down to plug my mental channel back into real life and run across the following three dumba$$es calling themselves “robbers.”

I blame Gumby..

But, before I get to them…I’ve got to award the DUMBA$$ of the week trophy to Gary Allen Banning, God rest his soul. Yes, before I tell you about his dumba$$ery I must let you know in advance that he’s dead. Now, I know, it’s not polite to talk ill of the dead…but best believe, if I could have met him in person before he died or if he had lived, I would have DEFINITELY told him he was a dumb ass to his face and I’m sure you would all agree…..and those that don’t…

HAVELOCK, N.C. — Police say a North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline…..—Huffington Post

Apparently Gary Banning’s dumba$$ (R.I.P) mistook a can of gasoline for apple juice and took a swig….because YES apple juice and gasoline smell exactly the same.

Once swallowing the apparent Skittles brand petroleum, his stomach tells him that this isn’t the crushed fruit essence his nose told him it was, but something that would probably kill the average non-Bender (#Futurama) man…or at least get him sick. Lucky for Banning though, his body was too dumb to know when to die (or get sick) and instead he threw the gasoline up saving his life.

LUCKY cat

No, the gasoline isn’t what killed Banning, if the story ended here I wouldn’t be poking at his BBQ’d zombie carcass. If he died from a drink mix up, it’d be a sad accident, if he survived It would just be a funny story that he could tell at parties and his friends would forsake his obvious idiocy and see it as God giving him another chance and him lucking out. But one thing is certain, when God gives you a second chance you’re suppose to make better choices than you did the first time. Drinking gasoline = stupid. Throwing it up and not being sick = Divine Intervention…

” …and then [he] smoked a cigarette. Banning went outside to smoke a cigarette and burst into flame.  Banning was transported to UNC Burn Center in Chapel Hill, where he died early Tuesday morning.” — The Huffington Post

Smoking = A stupefied suicide sandwich made with all natural ingredients

The idiot drank gasoline, threw it up on his clothes…then smoked a cigarette. Self Inflicted Firebombing #SMH.  Here’s hoping that fire isn’t allowed in heaven, that instead of cigarettes there’s mountains off fireproof odorless weed and that it doesn’t require common sense to stay there for eternity. #RIPBanning

Now on to the dumba$$ robbers…

In the spirit of Ben Affleck’s ‘The Town’…we’re going to measure the idiot levels with Team America Matt Damon Puppet Heads. 1 to 5 scale.

DUMB ASS #1: JASON ENGEL

Jason Engel is charged with robbing a two year old’s piggy bank

Engel was charged by Stowe Township police in August after a woman accused him of stealing $60, a cellphone and some condoms after she kicked him out of her home. The woman later discovered half dollars and silver dollars had been taken from her son’s piggy bank and police filed charges including burglary and theft.—Huff Post

I feel him on stealing the condoms, if you’re going to kick me out..then hell nah, I’m not going to be supplying the rubbers for the next guy you allow to mayonnaise your patty in my place. But c’mon dude, you’re going to steal FOUR HUNDRED dollars from a babies piggy bank?

Now, NO this robbing a pre-Preschooler doesn’t make him a dumba$$ necessarily, there’s another type of ass this act of nonsense awards him…

But the dumba$$ery comes into play when you look at the fact that after stealing $400 from a woman’s baby boy and ending up on Most Wanted Lists all around the city, WHY would you go to work the next day?

“Engel was on the Allegheny County Sheriff’s “Most Wanted” list before someone who recognized his mug shot reported he worked at the supermarket, where he was arrested Wednesday.” — Huff Post

If you committed a crime and left a witness, it goes without saying that it’s time to bounce from that area, lay low, disappear, find Jesus…wh I guess he must’ve thought the woman was just gonna take the “L”…but tell me, what (SOBER) woman you know is going to “take the L” when her child is involved?

As a matter of fact, he WAS a dumba$$ for stealing from the 2 year old because that put him in a no-win situation. NO money. NO freedom. NO respect. NO job. NO crib. NO pu$$y. That many “L”s caught at once is a self inflicted CTRL, ALT, DELETE (or Option, Command, Esc #MACs) as he’ll likely realize while in jail. No, he isn’t in jail yet…but check this out..

“The public defender for 21-year-old Jason Engel, of Pittsburgh, hasn’t immediately returned a call for comment Thursday.” —Huff Post

He can’t even afford a REAL lawyer….Public defender? He’s DONE.

MATT DAMONS

DUMB ASS #2: MARK BURGIN

Mark Burgin is charged with robbing a jewelry store while being on lunch break from a trial in which he was trying to plead innocent for…a robbery.

A man on trial for robbery was arrested Friday after the jury delivered a guilty verdict. His crime? Authorities say he pulled a heist while on a lunch break from his trial a day earlier.

The Tennessean reports that police waited for a jury’s decision in Mark Burgin’s trial before immediately charging him in the theft of $45,000 worth of jewelry from a nearby Franklin, Tenn., jeweler.—The Huffington Post

 BURGIN: I’d never rob anyone

JUDGE: Never?

 BURGIN: No, I swear to God and God’s daddy…never

JUDGE: Hmmm…something about you seems trustworthy

 BURGIN:  my eyes?

 JUDGE: I think it’s that smile…   

 BURGIN: …..

 JUDGE: ..let me see that   again….

 BURGIN  

 Judge: yep, it’s the smile

 BURGIN: ook, sooo…how about lunch time?

 Judge: …uhmm

BURGIN: ….

 JUDGE: ….awww….why not…

<Break for lunch. Back in session>

 BURGIN: I swear to Allah, I’d stab someone before robbing them

PROSECUTOR: Did you stab the man?

 BURGIN: No

PROSECUTOR: So you WERE there?

 Burgin: Do I look like someone that would rob a jewelry store?

PROSECUTOR: I’m not talking about a jewelry store, I’m talking about the robbery at knife point

 BURGIN: …oh

PROSECUTOR: …nice rolex..

 Burgin: …bought it from up the block

 PROSECUTOR: ..really?

 BURGIN: ….

 PROSECUTOR: …stop doing that…

 BURGIN: what?….

 PROSECUTOR: Your Honor….make him stop doing that thing with his face

 JUDGE: …..

BURGIN: ….

 JUDGE: …..

 PROSECUTOR: You’ve got to be kidding me

BURGIN: …….


Not only did this guy rob while being on trial for a robbery, but he robbed from a store under a block away and ran in broad daylight back into the courthouse…everyone knew he did it before court was even back in session.

A clerk noticed he was wearing a Rolex watch, and saw that a nearby display watch was missing. The clerk confronted him about the watch and he returned it. But when the clerk noticed several other pieces missing and asked Burgin about them, he fled and apparently returned to court about a block away.

“He was just a grab and run,” said Mike Walton, owner of Walton’s Antique and Estate Jewelry.—-Huff Post

 Lucky for him the Judge was “cool” enough to not let the jury know that he had just robbed a store on their lunch break. Most judges I’ve dealt with in real life were d!cks, so to actually see this judge try to maintain an unbiased jury is something I must give props and respect to.
….of course NO respect is given to the dumba$$ Burgin. If I’m on trial for murder, I’m not going to murder someone while I’m on my lunch break, hell, if you need to buck the system in some way at least go for a different kind of crime. Smack a random person (assault & battery), smoke a blunt (illegal substance abuse) or something (J walking, prostitution, etc)…well, in Burgin’s case he probably should’ve murdered someone…himself (he didn’t?).

: Who should I have murdered myself?

No dumba$$ I’m jokingly saying that you should’ve killed yourself for being such an idiot….dumba$$ ruined my poignant ending…

 
MATT DAMONS
DUMB ASS #3: TREVOR GLADSTON
Trevor Gladston is charged with attempting to rob a bank, but being told “No..”
Police say Gladston, 39, left the bank empty-handed after handing a teller a note asking for money, according to Newser.“[Gladston] came in and handed a note that said something to the effect of ‘Give me the money or we start shooting,'” Chamblee Police Chief Marc Johnson told Atlanta’s Fox affiliate. “Obviously, feeling safe behind the bulletproof glass, the teller just stepped back and the individual left without any money.”— Huff Post
So yeah….it would be the black dude that gets denied money at the bank, even for a robbery.
Being a professional criminal and all, I wonder what it feels like to get denied robbing a spot, being so not a threat that the chick didn’t even call the police right away, and then after claiming that “WE” are going to start shooting, having to walk your lonely wacka$$ back to your cab empty handed and feelings hurt. Yes…your cab…what? You wouldn’t take a cab to a bank robbery? Well, I bet if you did, you’d surely make sure that you did NOT have cab fare right? No? Why not?
“The taxi driver told officials she had transported him round trip from the station to the bank and back, and upon their return, the man identified as Gladston told the driver he needed to go to the station parking lot to get money out of his car to pay for the trip” —Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
I don’t know anything about bank robberies that I haven’t learned from movies (s/o to HEAT). So maybe most robbers decide not to carry any money on them when taking other people’s valuables…it makes sense, it’s not like you’re going to be breaking anyone’s big bills and giving them change back and what if you tried to rob someone who in turn had a bigger gun and robbed you right back, that’s the kind of irony that’d make the Karma fairy moist.
I guess we can chalk this one up to confidence, he just KNEW he’d come away with the cash to the point that he didn’t even bring gas money for his own car with him…his plan was full proof afterall, just walk into the bank ask for it and of course they’ll give it up with no problem. Unfortunately, confidence can’t pay the rent and without Bruce Willis, a terrorist threat and the entire script from Die Hard III (You know, the one where he rides around in a taxi all day looking for bombs and not having to worry about paying his driver…) you’re basically screwed buddy…
The only other explanation I can come to for our friendly neighborhood dumba$$ is that getaway drivers are too expensive. The Joker had his entire goon squad kill themselves in The Dark Knight just so he could keep his costs down in this manure inspired economy.  Johnny Depp’s John Dillinger in Public Enemies robbed banks during the Great Depression and had enough game to exploit everyone’s vicarious nature by making people believe that he was robbing for a cause (and in turn ‘civilized’ taxpayers helped him in his capers), so getting away was hardly a problem.  But, it’s Clive Owen’s character (Russell) in Inside Man that really showed me a true artist at work in executing the ultimate “getaway” from a “robbery”
All of these legends of course should NEVER be mentioned in the same sentence as Trevor Gladston. But if he could learn nothing from these movies, he could at least come away with the basic point that without a committed (capable) team, a heist is a waste of time.
With no money to pay the cab driver (or to put gas in his hooptie) the only thing that could make this situation suck any more would be to get caught by a police officer because the cab driver is pissed about not getting their money, right?

The cabbie, who is female, feared her passenger was going to leave without paying so she blocked his car with the taxi and got the attention of an officer at the station.—Huff Post

So now what do you do? There’s one thing working in your favor, this officer has no idea that you just tried to rob a bank, he’s only on the scene to make you pay the cabbie. You could just go to a gas station or a Walgreens or something, get a “Fast Cash” 40 bucks out the ATMand walk your pathetic a$$ home. But then you realize something, this isn’t you…this is the dumb a$$ of the week, this is Trevor Gladston…so what would a dumb a$$ like Mr. Gladston do??
“[The officer] just convinced the guy that you need to get some money and pay your bill or else you’ll end up in trouble,” Johnson told Fox.However, once Gladston return to withdraw cash legally, bank employees positively identified him as the attempted bank robber from a few minutes earlier.”–– Huff Post
Q: Who goes back to the bank they attempted to rob to make a withdrawal?
A: 
Q: Who tries to rob their OWN personal banking branch?
A:   
Q: Who robs a bank WITHOUT a MASK?
A:  
….besides the government…
A:  
Should I keep asking questions, or do you also feel forgiven for all the dumb things you’ve ever done after reading this as if the weight of past stupidities are being sucked out of your bodies and being placed into this stolid vessel named Gladston sacrificing himself for ‘Gene Yuss, Lord of the Dumb Asses?
Here’s to Trevor Gladston…the dumbest muthaf**ker since Oedipus and an embarrassment to bald head men,women and children everywhere (he aint bald, his forehead just big). I appreciate you for being the number #1 dummy this week because it’s been a long tough week and without you, I’d have nobody new to thank God for not letting me become…hopefully prison is as fun as they say it is champ.
MATT DAMONS:     
Shouts out to Caesar….
-BATS-
For More GOTHAM NEWS  click hereAlso check out the FLYWITHBATS  section for editorials. Follow BATS on Twitter:  @MISTERBATS
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Posted on March 6, 2012, in GOTHAM NEWS and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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