The Do’s and Dont’s of being “Friends with Benefits”

Greetings, divas, divos, and anyone else getting this transmission! It’s ya girl, Lady C, captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, about to school you on this whole “Friends with Benefits” idea and hopefully save a few people’s lives and hearts BEFORE it’s too late!! That’s right, throughout this post, we’re going to discuss what it means to truly be “sex buddies” and whether it’s actually possible. So without further adieu, let’s talk about sex baby!!!!!

In order for us to clearly evaluate this scientific matter, I believe we should first look into the term and define it. According to the Urban Dictionary, a combined definition (of the 3 interpretations listed) of “Fuck Buddies” would be: two single people who share a mutual understanding that they only have sex occasionally without the extra bullshit of not doing enough for valentine’s day or her birthday, spending 3 months salary on a stupid ring, or spending enough quality time with [him].  There were various other pieces to this definition, and trust me, it’s hilarious, you should check out what people said sometime! The  first of the Urban Dictionary’s definitions of “Friends with Benefits” goes like this: “A friend[ship] in which you are allowed sexual activity but no true relationship is involved. Not a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, the benefit is purely sexual. Not to be tied with feelings.” I feel that this first definition best describes not only the situation, but the downfall  or antidote for the whole darn shabang!!!

Let me not get ahead of myself; instead let us just proceed with caution through out the rest of this shall we? Seriously though, at face value, doesn’t this just sound like the perfect arrangement?? I mean ladies, you can get the fix you need to fight those Celibacy Blues and that age old hysteria all at the same time without having to buy a dildo!!! And guys can cut right to the chase without having to work so darn hard for mediocre sex! Great, right? Well, let’s see!!

Now that we have a clear definition, lets evaluate some examples so we can get into the right frame of mind. So as you all know, I’m sure, there were two movies released about such situations: Friends with Benefits starring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake; and No Strings Attached starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Now honestly watching these movies was actually kind of fun. I have to admit that the estrogen that makes me a lady produced giggles, ooo’s and awww’s at all the right moments. I mean what can I say, this diva’s emotional. However, emotions aside, one thing this diva’s not, is stupid! Ok, fair warning here it comes: spoiler alert!! For those of you who may not have seen it, I’m going to sum both movies up at the same time. Ready? Here it is:

Boy meets girl. Girl and guy decide to have casual sex due to their relationship/mental issues with commitment. One person (guy or girl) noticeably sort of likes the other individual. Sex is great. Feelings deepen. Shit falls apart. Someone chases someone else, and yeah, they end up together.

I may be missing the “wonderfully” constructed subplots about family issues (which both movies have lol) and some other witty things added to the movie for substance, but you get the picture. And may I be the first one, as female, to say: LIES, ALL LIES!!!!!! First I’m upset they took this very real, very active situation and used it to mask a romantic comedy, can I just say that? When I first saw the posters for No Strings, I thought it was going to be more realistic than it was. Honestly, love has no place here unless it’s the “Love you with the love of Jesus” kind of love. He’s not going to come running after you and organize a flash mob for you! She’s not going to show up at the hospital because your dad is there. She’s going to send you a text message that says something like “hey dude, heard what hapnd…sry to hear that. wanna swing by later,” because sex is a stress reliever, that’s it.  Sigh, but such is Hollywood…that fantastical dreamer of dreams. But let’s be honest here; your life is not a movie neatly written and directed by Hollywood! So with that being said, I turn to my shining wonderful example of what a true “friend with benefits” should be.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen!! Jon Hamm from Bridesmaids is absolutely everything a friend with benefits should be!! Now before you go off telling me how much of a douche he was in the movie, let me just say that I agree with you. He was a bit of an ass. HOWEVER, follow me on this one, and you’ll see just what I mean. As a fuck buddy, he was 1) always honest about how he actually felt in the situation. Seriously, isn’t the reason you said no to commitment because you didn’t want to have to lie about how you felt?? “No, honey, I can’t see your dick print in those boxers”…etc, etc. So why lie here?? Not to say that you should be that rude, but that whole idea of her staying over was completely out of place. She didn’t come over there to talk and cuddle, she came to have sex!! Bottom line, nothing more or less! And honestly once that’s done, it’s time to go!!!! There shouldn’t be an awkwardness of trying to figure out the right thing to say, nor should either person assume that you should be allowed to sleep here just because you had sex! Your services are no longer required and unless otherwise stated and mutually agreed upon, you got’s to go!! Another awesome thing about Hamm: 2) He NEVER provided an opportunity for her feelings to develop. There’s that word again, the one that could destroy everything, feelings. That man shut that girl down so many times, she didn’t have time to let him sneak from his current position of just a friend to that evil spot in the mind. You know the spot where you start to look at him longer and notice that he’s got pretty eyes, and then start to thinking that hmmm maybe if I…just said or did…maybe he could be…. Let me help you out here, sister, the answer is NOOOO!! Just don’t do it to yourself. Guys this goes for you too! Just say NOOO!!  Ok, so now that you kind of know where my head is on this, I’ll stop beating around the bush and actually give you the rest of the do’s and dont’s.

3) Don’t let them in to your personal life. Don’t take them to see your parents or to hang out with your friends. When you see each other, it’s for one purpose, and one purpose only.

4) DO see other people. I’m not saying you should have sex with every Tom, Dana, or Harry, but do not under any circumstances not date other people because of your fb. That is a dead end relationship, not something you’re investing in. So don’t let it stop you from finding the right person for you.

5) DON’T cuddle!!! Ok unless it enhances your sexual pleasure or something, I strongly suggest you don’t do this. Feelings are the enemy and this could let some feelings in here.

6) DON’T go on dates! Unless you’re doing it in the park, don’t go there. The only place you should be meeting is the bedroom. Period.

Now I’ve got plenty more rules I could add but I want to hear from you readers out there. What do you think?? What rules would you add?

I did want to say this, and this will screw up everything I said above, but in adding rules, this is something to think about. Although sex is considered a “purely” physical act, it’s not. Considering from a spiritual point that it was ordained by God to bring man and woman (or whatever, I’m not debating preferences here) together, and all the psychological and health benefits sex provides, one might argue that developing feelings is an inevitable bi-product that can’t be ignored. Everytime you have sex, you’re getting closer whether you want to get close, or not. Which is why I suggest using community property (people who get around) because it reminds you that you’re not the only one hitting that! And unless you’re in the “turning hoes into house wives and faithful husbands” business, you might save yourself in the long run.

That’s this Diva’s take on things. Holla back.

  1. Ok so I’m just going to say I have never had an fb before, but now I do and I think it’s a good idea for myself but I’m cautious. The guy I’m sleeping with is my ex, BUT I’ve had boyfriends since him and it was always casual. We actually got along better as friends afterwards, but the sex was so good that it made it awkward to talk to him without remembering the bedroom. We started talking again and agreed we should be fuck buddies. I have friendlike feelings for him, do you think this is a bad idea? I like to think we are both smart enough to not get hurt, but he’s nice to me even though it’s always either friendly or sexual, never lovey crap. Thanks and good advice!

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