Much Ado About R’Ships: Part 1: Men & Women Crosswired

This is a topic that I’ve been wanting to touch on for a minute, but wasn’t sure how to attack it (because the man/woman topic gets maaaad cliche’). How honest to be? How raw to be? What to cover that hasn’t been done to death? What not to say?  What will women think? What will my girl think? Is this even necessary? Are just a few questions that came to mind

….and will now be ignored as I jump into this ongoing battle to the death of man verses woman ….or should I say woman verses man for all those ‘chivalry IZ dead’ f**ckers?

This was originally suppose to be one post, but it took me a week of off and on writing to finish it and I found myself going in a bit so I decided to split it into 3 parts that I’m going to post over the course of this week.

PART I:

-MEN & WOMEN ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY (Duh)

PART II:

-THE SINGLE MAN’S HEART

PART III:

-THE CHEATING MAN’S MIND

-TRUE COMMITMENT

What inspires my urge to talk about this decomposed defeated donkey of a subject was something as simple as reading this whining lil female’s status update about how “Men Ain’t Sh!t”.

Social Media has granted us the ability to stalk each other at every turn, even if we’re not in the mood to stalk. We can read each other’s minds at all times and while sometimes this can be a great, hilarious, entertaining, inspiring and poignant thing…most times, it’s become a tool aimed at bashing the opposite sex. Facebook, Youtube and Twitter give us all a power that previous generations never knew.  Using just these tools you can become a celebrity, make a career, get your voice heard by millions of people around the world, find lost loves, lost family (I personally found my #biopops and 4 siblings I never knew all on FB, seriously), express our true selves or even who we wish we were to the masses…yet in this abundance of power, the most I see are groups of people complaining about how hurt they are and blaming the entire opposite sex for their pain.

 : “Men ain’t shit, they ain’t a piece of shit, the aint shit crust or shit tarts, they aint shit particles, they ain’t shit aroma, they aint the toilet paper that you wipe the shit up with, they aint the toilet water that flushes the shit down the toilet bowl when ya done shitting, they aint  even the sneaky shit hanging at the top crevices of the shitter that is harder to clean so alot of people miss it and end up having folk coming over and shitting on top of their toilet crevice infested shit…nope…they just ain’t shit…they’re just waste”

 :”Don’t trust a b!tch, they’re all h%es…except fo’ my mama and my lil sister who probably gon grow up to be one too…which is kinda f*cked up…but yeah…i miss my baby, but f*ck her though….i knew i shouldn’t have hit her in the face with that shovel…damn…”

:”All men are dogs…all of em…wish I had a boyfriend though…I might just turn gay, wait…that means no more d**k…damn…”

 : “I can’t believe I trusted her, after she dumped her boyfriend to get with me I should’ve seen the signs…she said she only cheated on a few of her exes but it was going to be different with me…she only wanted him for the money, she wanted me for love…and just a little of my money…she ruined our love, it’s all her fault”

It’s all retarded and no, I’m not banging on or blaming social media..I’m banging on the people whining on social media.  There’s a clear cut difference between a “vent” and a “whine.”  When you vent, you get it out of your system then do something about it, eventually this problem has been conquered because you #TookAction (As my dude @Kloud_Stryfe always says).  But, when you whine (you know the complete opposite of ‘vent’ is coming right?), when you whine you just complain about your same problems over and over again, making the exact same maneuvers expecting different results (the definition of “insanity”).  If you are 25 and older and still can’t figure out life’s not to difficult ‘puzzle of constants’ when it comes to relationships, then you’re either slow or not paying attention….

…fareal, to put it simply, if you’re 25 and older and still got the nerve to say “Men/Women Ain’t Shit” “Men/Women Are All The Same”….then denial be damned if no one has told you yet, here’s the magical answer: the problem…IS YOU Muth@FU*K@!

Any ladies want to entertain me for a few paragraphs or guys wanna see if I’m keeping it 100 or not…then click that “Read the rest of this entry” button..if not, then click here

…and still come back and click “Read the rest of this entry” button

RELATIONSHIP CONSTANTS

1) Everyone’s different

2) Nobody’s perfect

3) Relationships are work, if you can’t handle the bad times, don’t get in one

4) Just because you want it to work out doesn’t mean it will OR SHOULD

5) In MOST arguments, YOU are WRONG too #viceversa

6) Carrying old baggage into new spaces only contaminates the new space

7) No Trust, No Bond, No Point

8 ) Friendship is the foundation (natural friendship is EVERYTHING)

9) No Communication, No Relationship

10) You CAN NOT grow, grow together, forgive, forget or move on if you don’t LET GO of old nonsense (especially if it’s been settled)

11) Love ain’t positive or negative, it’s just Love

And those are just a random 11 that spew off the top of my head when thinking about what’s a ‘constant’ in all relationships.  There’s many more fac(e)ts like these and the faster that more of us would recognize and submit to them, the better off we’d all be.

I’m not an expert on the topic of committed relationships.  Hell, I just got into my first committed relationship since high school (Eleanor McMain HS C/O 2004!) about a year ago. Honestly (like many single men), I’m use to juggling women…at one point it was like a sport, then eventually it became me actually looking for someone to be with but I’d keep meeting girls that I either had zero interest in, minimal interest in or I’d almost want to be with but something I couldn’t put my finger on was holding me back. Eventually, and surprisingly to many who know me, I found someone who I believe works for me….the most perfect person for you just clicks and many times it’s one whose flaws compliment yours. Yeah, flaws….having things in common is definitely ideal, but can you tolerate those things about them that drive the piss out of you, forever? If there’s someone for everyone, know that that crap that you couldn’t deal with with your ex? There’s always SOMEONE who CAN and will. Settling down doesn’t have to mean settling.

Not many people realize that there are complexities to juggling and I’m not trying to glorify it as you’ll eventually read in ‘The Single Man’s Mind’, I’m just throwing it out there to say that living on both sides of the fence gives a person a different sort of insight than your average f*cker blogging about love and relationships.  Hell, most of the love bloggers are women and the ones that aren’t are men ready to kiss that female posterior seat cushion, writing as if they are catering to females (bias) or men that think they are pimps….

I don’t have a vagina, a$$ doesn’t have a magnetic attraction to my lips and my last name ain’t ‘Slickback’ so this read may be a lil different. I’m not an expert on women, I’ll never say that…to be an expert on women you’d have to be a woman, no man can fully understand a woman like a freaking woman (if a man could, it’d take the fun out of it anyway)…so in my vice versa voice, I’m telling you that being a man, makes me an expert on men, or at least the average man, so that’s the POV I’ll be speaking on below.  Not coming from the super dog ni@@a, not coming from the super good boy, but just the average dude you’ll probably run across while dating. Once again, this is from a MAN’s point of view and I’m speaking mainly to WOMEN.  Much of what’s below can be flipped for both genders, but I’m giving the heads up on from where I’m speaking to avoid unnecessary b.s debates. #LEGGO

PART I

MEN AND WOMEN ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY

This is the simplest and most important piece of the puzzle. If people would just accept, nope not just understand this…because a lotta people do understand this statement but they won’t ACCEPT it, yes ACCEPT IT.  I swear, if more people could fully let that fact set in and work with patience within the parameters of it, then most relationships may be saved instantly. We ARE all human but the genders react to, understand, approach, attack, look at and process things in, at times drastically, different ways. The general consensus is (and insult in the minds of some) while both genders use emotion and logic when making decisions, women’s brains are more “emotionally” tilted while men’s mind’s are more tilted towards the “logical” aspects of a situation.

This ’emotion’ verses ‘logic’ debate tends to garner either a nod or a pissy face from women. Most men usually agree with it though.

No, it’s not saying that women don’t use logic, everyone does. Simply put, without attempting to explain the pseudo-sciences of all the experiences I’ve had and you’ve probably had that can both prove and disprove both sides of the emotion -vs- logic debate, I’d rather wrap it up in a super basic, easy to understand and guaranteed to make sense nutshell, going back to how both genders PROCESS information *drum roll*

SHE IZ WOMAN ….. HE IZ MAN ….

STOP expecting MAN to think like WOMAN. STOP expecting WOMAN to think like MAN. And most importantly for self, DON’T expect anyone to think exactly like YOU.  It’s all a losing effort.  For some it’s common sense, but the irony of common sense isn’t that tired joke: “it ain’t always common”…it’s really the fact that it’s so common that most people overlook it or completely ignore it at times when using it would matter most.  Hindsight makes your errors in judgment apparent eventually, but many times it’s stuff you already knew, that was simple as hell that the chemical imbalance of the brain called “love” may have blocked you from seeing at the time.  This common sensical statement needs to be repeated any time you find yourself slipping into a negative space with your significant other.

“THEY are NOT ME, so I’ve got to work with them”

No matter your gender, by the age of 25 you should have noticed certain similarities that all women/men tend to share? Also, you should have noticed certain similarities that many of the ones you date tend to share. Everyone’s Different, so no I’m not saying super box a person into that “All Men/Women Are The Same” nonsense, there’s ALWAYS exceptions (this statement will keep being repeated), but certain things when comparing how (if you’re a woman) your ‘girls’ or you would act verses how your man reacts will show A) listening to your girls at all costs may be shooting yourself in the foot, because (though they may mean well) they can’t think for him and B) a lot of men react to certain things the exact same way, so to continue getting mad at a guy who is basically just responding to things like any guy you date would is a fruitless mission. If you’ve had 5 boyfriends in a row all getting annoyed every time you do a certain thing, then 9 times out of 10 your next 5 boyfriends will be annoyed by it too.  Use some sense in the matter. There are certain things that don’t even piss me off when my girlfriend does it, because I’ve gotten to a point where I just write it off as “Sh!t that Women Do.” Whether it is a random mood swing or an annoyance of estrogen origin, if it’s something that my last few girls use to do that got under my skin as well, it just can’t get under my skin anymore because I’ve accepted it as female type sh!t.  Is this a sexist mind frame to have on both sides? Possibly…will it reduce wrinkles and grey hair? HELL F**KIN YES!

Though it can be unfair at times, we all generalize. You just have to know on what level to generalize without getting crazy with it.  I can generalize that most women would love a good listener, someone who shows them affection and who can remember to put the seat up when pissing. Generalizing a gender as to saying that the entire gender is evil or doomed to be screwed up is a bit extreme….aight, not a bit extreme…it’s super extreme, counterproductive, immature and nutty.

Check out this excerpt from relationship advice examiner, Sunny Wheeler’s article on the topic. It shows a classic misunderstanding between man and woman.

” I’ve been chatting with a guy (“Miles”) that I met about three weeks ago. We haven’t had a date yet but we talk several times a week and text once or twice a day.

When he asked me how I was, I told him about a very upsetting phone conversation that I had with my ex-husband. I told Miles that of the top three most awful, humiliating conversations I’ve had in my life, this was number three. Miles then proceeded to tell me what I should do and how I should have handled the conversation. He also told me to stop acting like a victim. When I told Miles that all I needed from him was some concern and compassion, maybe something like, “Gee that sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through that.” He said, “Oh so I should lie to you?” He said that just because he wasn’t giving me compassion in the way that I wanted to hear it, that I was trying to manipulate and control the conversation.

Miles also said that he was “the most compassionate man you’ll ever meet!” When I disagreed with that statement he expresses shock that I would call him mean. I said, “I never called you mean. I’m simply disagreeing with your statement that you are the most compassionate man I will ever meet. I know plenty of other guys who are more compassionate.”—TheExaminer.com

In this situation, Miles was being mad pushy, but also very honest and Sunny was possibly indeed playing the victim, but only meant to vent not be preached to. He felt he was showing her compassion by even stepping out of his bounds and giving her advice. As men, many times we don’t care to give a woman advice about another man. Most guys that do are either in the “friend zone”, a relative or is just trying to have sex with the girl by getting rid of the other guy through “advice.” So for dude to actually take the time out and try to help, in his mind was a positive step. How he went about it? Jury’s still out on that one.

*******FOR THE RECORD*******

A majority of men from the onset just want to sleep with the woman anyway. FROM THE ONSET, it’s one of the basic receptors in initial attraction and engagement.. Men approach based on what we see, women accept the invitation based on what they see as well as what he said (his presentation). For a man, if you look good, many times (at first) it doesn’t matter what a woman says. Him wanting sex doesn’t make him a pig, it’s all he wanted from first ‘seeing’ you and approaching you, what else could he go off of? He was suppose to know that you had a glowing personality from first sight? It’s through getting to know you that his feelings get involved, whether you have sex or not has nothing to do with it. He’ll know through conversation if he just wants to have sex or is interested in a deeper connection. Many men, if bored by a female, will throw them in the “Just Tryna Hit It” box and you’ll know if he’s “Just Tryna Hit It” based on his actions and conversation topics (i.e: sex convos, mad kiss assery and compliments, fake interest in anything not involving the previous two).

************************************

Sunny wanted her definition of compassion, Miles was just trying to get her problem squashed which was his definition of it. In Miles’ mind, he was helping Sunny and only meant to come from a place of care. Many times, men just want to get a situation handled and scrapped. How to make 1 + 2 equal 3 #asaptually.  If we vent, after we’ve exhaled it out of our systems we’re on to shooting the target. Being trained from birth to forgo emotion, “be a man” (on to the next adventure) it’s almost natural to try not to wallow in problems or yearn for/expect compassion…it gets perceived as being weak when we do…problem is we can easily come across as insensitive without realizing it all due to our processing not being in tune with our woman’s (and vice versa!).  Can men work on it? Yes we can and should, just the level of work needed varies from man to man and he can only know if/what to work on by getting to know you….everything takes time…and hell, you women need work too.

This was just an example of the many disagreements that pop up through misunderstanding of intent. It’s impossible to go through each and every example, but at times, before going apesh!t because he “just doesn’t understand”, sit back and think of why and how a misunderstanding came about. At it’s core, was it just some “man sh!t?”At it’s core, was this guy really trying to harm you or does he really just not understand where you’re coming from.  If his intent is sincere and his actions come from a place of care, then try not to get in his a$$ too much about perceived insensitiveness (among other things) because he’ll just believe that you’re the one trippin for not recognizing his efforts and more fights will ensue.


Sunny expected Miles to automatically know that she wanted just an open ear and she wasn’t wrong for this hope, Miles didn’t process it like this and wasn’t wrong for thinking how he thought, but they were both wrong for not taking into consideration the other person’s thought process…


Girls are brought up to be in touch with their “feelings” and really connect most of their issues with said feelings, for better or for worse.   The maternal nature of women is one of their most endearing attributes and this nature is stemmed in emotion, so it’s not like men hate the emotional side of women…it just can become taxing since we don’t always understand it as best as we’d like to.  While certain things make sense and other things are predictable, there’s still a lot that just seems illogical to men when women say or do it, once again attempting to make a list of the many things that come up that strikes men as weird would take forever, just know that some frustration you may have in us stems from our confusion towards you (vice versa? yay? nay?). Moving forward, communication rectifies all but before communication, cutting the corners and seeking a better understanding ourselves is a viable option too…then communicating effectively on top of that seals the deal.

**********FOR THE RECORD*******

LISTENING and striving to understand all sides is just as important as speaking your mind when communicating

**************************************

Two people together create a chemistry that is unlike any other chemistry another two would create, which means that chemistry will bare it’s own triumphs and trials.   This can’t and won’t be changed, communication and common ground can always be found but the ongoing debate and struggle between the two genders genetically cannot be avoided.  The best way to combat the unavoidable is patience and also NOT immediately TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY.

So often, we find ourselves tirelessly jumping to the negative conclusion, when really if we’d assess situations a bit more thoroughly, looked at the character of the person we’re with and trust we know who they are…then many troubles could be avoided through open ears and actual discussion, instead of debates soaked with Mortal Kombat style sensibilities.


Shouts out to Raiden!


Different wiring still can lead to perfect connections, just gotta be prepared going in for work.  Know from the beginning that when things are great, cherish those times and feelings because that’s what you’ll have to draw on when your wires get crossed…and know that your wires are SUPPOSE to get crossed, the puzzle is how to move forward when they do and growing together in the aftermath of adversity. Our different mindsets are ultimately what’s intrigues us all. Accepting these differences aren’t so anyone can have a crutch for complacency or a bed for excuses, if you don’t get anything else from this post or the parts to come, know that my main urge is for us all to grow together, that’s what all relationships are about. But, you’ve got to know self, be open to understanding and respect the ‘constants’ to even have a chance at being successful in any r’ship…period.

-BATS-

Follow me: @MisterBATS 

PART II: THE SINGLE MAN’S MIND

PART III: THE CHEATING MAN’S MIND & TRUE COMMITMENT

 

 


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