Much Ado About R’ships: Part 3: The Cheating Man’s Mind
THE CHEATING MAN’S MIND
The No.1 reason: Men crave sexual “variety,” according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks).
“They’ve evolved the desire to be with different women,” he says. That’s because it’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women.
“The ‘payoff’ in reproductive currencies [kids] of a short-term mating strategy generally has been higher for men than women,” Buss says. So after thousands of generations, “this has forged in the male brain a desire for sexual variety.” —Lifescript.com
First off, I’ve never cheated…but I do understand it. One of the main reasons why I tried to practice honesty while ‘juggling’ and why I didn’t commit to any one girl was because I didn’t want to end up having to lie and cheat in a relationship that I wasn’t ready for. But, in a way, when you’re juggling, if you keep the same “team” for a period of time, unofficially you fall into the slot that “boyfriend” is suppose to fill, so in essence there was a time where I had like 3 unofficial girlfriends (that all knew of each other) and in that same essence I was cheating on all 3 of them (because unofficial or not, if the feelings and actions are there…titles mean squat), or really I was able to acquire the mindset of what your average guy that’s actually out here lying and cheating on his official girl would have.
As touched on in Part II, it’s hard for many and impossible for most average woman to fully comprehend the notion of a man having sex for pleasure only, no feelings included. Many think that men are greedy dogpig sluts for possessing this ability. In some cases, they are totally right.
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FACT (That Cheating Men Never Ignore): Even with a boyfriend/girlfriend title you are still LEGALLY SINGLE.
If you’re not married, it’s not considered real cheating to a lot of these guys. If you ARE married, they tend to blame issues in the relationship itself, will get more into that later.
It’s not that guys that cheat have no consciences, it’s that in their brains cheating and sex don’t always correlate. A cheating guy will feel bad about deceiving (lies, disrespect, etc) his girl moreso than the actual act of having sex with someone, he’ll always lean on the fact that the sex was only for sport, nothing personal. As long as he isn’t building a foundation, friendship or relationship with his “sport f*ck” he won’t see it as fully cheating and it won’t completely deter him from doing it (at least until he gets caught, for some guys) because for him his relationship isn’t at risk, he isn’t falling in love or putting anybody in front of his girl or in his girl’s place, in a twisted way as long as he doesn’t develop feelings for anyone else he feels that he is still remaining loyal to his girl.
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By definition itself, cheating isn’t necessarily the act of having sex with an outside person.
Many open relationships and swingers relationships tend to be just as successful as monogamous ones. These folk see sex as sex and love as love, they separate them and maintain guidelines to how and IF they’re going to cheat, really they don’t even count sex as ‘cheating’. Famous Hollywood couple Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee were married for decades and for a couple of those decades they participated in an ‘open marriage.’ There were guidelines attached to it of course, but they had the trust and the no how of each other to maneuver in such a situation.
Ossie Davis : “It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it — that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished — as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were.” —–With Ossie And Ruby, In this Life Together (joint biography) page 317
But eventually, they canceled the openess because in the end they preferred just being with each other without all of the extra. It’s like they got the extra out of their system together and saw that monogamy was best.
Ossie: “But looking back, I’d say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves…Sex is fine, but love is better. That’s the most important part of being free. In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now…not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other veneral diseases…” Joint biography, page 323-324
Ruby: “But, we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning. It’s not something that you’d recommend to everybody. But often Ossie has said – and I’ve though too – the best way to have somebody is to let it go. If it doesn’t come back you are free in another kind of sense – in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well. So, we thought an open marriage was appropriate for us but it turned out not to be. But then that’s what we’re all about, we are moving from one position to another in the process of trying to unravel this thing call life.”
For those of you who have no clue who Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee are (shame on you) here’s power couple Will & Jada’s comments on the topic (see I don’t even have to write their last names, you already know):
Will Smith: “Our perspective is, you don’t avoid what’s natural. You’re going to be attracted to people. In our marriage vows, we didn’t say ‘forsaking all others.’ The vow that we made was that you will never hear that I did something after the fact. If it came down to it, then one spouse can say to the other, ‘Look, I need to have sex with somebody. I’m not going to if you don’t approve of it – but please approve of it.'”
Jada Pinkett: ““We always have people that we’re attracted to that we talk about. That don’t stop just because your married. Somebody’s always gonna catch your eye. That’s real. Somebody’s gonna always be prettier than me, somebody’s always gonna be more in awe of him than me, and he gonna be like (in Will’s voice) ‘yo she really like me’ (laughter) but as far as somebody being right for us… is there somebody right for a nice night? Maybe. But somebody that can sustain our life and sustain what we’ve built together, absolutely not!”
Of course this doesn’t work for everyone, especially when religious beliefs get involved as well as understanding the sacrifice that is suppose to be attributed to committing to anything, but for those that it does work for THEY are happy and that’s all that matters. Every couple’s relationship is defined by the couple. To look at the word “cheating”, REAL cheating is violating the terms of the commitment. If you enter a relationship where the terms of commitment are that neither of you will have any outside sex, then you’ve cheated. If you have OPENLY DISCUSSED and AGREED TO different terms, then to each his own. I repeat, the definition of CHEATING IS VIOLATING THE TERMS AND UNDERSTOOD CONTRACT OF YOUR COMMITMENT.
Some men sport f*ck all the time, others every once and awhile, and some may do it just once. Every man is tempted and every man handles his temptation in his own way. Once again, NOT EVERY MAN CHEATS, but the temptation feels greater many times due to the fact that if we don’t care about the other woman, then the sex meant and was nothing, it’s as if it didn’t happen.
With women, many times she won’t have sex with a man unless she’s developed a repore, some kind of feelings for the guy, which is why when a woman cheats even a cheating man will take it to heart because they feel as if the woman developed a relationship with the other guy before going through with the act of sex and now her man’s position is at risk. Some men even think back to how much he grew with and went through with his woman before having sex and instantly feels cheated as if she set him up to be replaced, especially if it was easier for the other guy (egos be damned). Cheating with your heart, to men, is actually the real issue in cheating. Yes men are selfish and have a sense of entitlement to “the pu$$y” and don’t want anyone else penetrating or touching what he feels is “his” but you’d also be surprised at the amount of men that would be ok with his woman having sex behind his back as long as it was just for “sport” and as long as he never finds out. Yes, as long as he never finds out. You’re talking about an evolved type of guy that would even fathom staying with his woman after cheating, but of course he won’t want to know about it. The better part of respect to guys with this mindset means respecting a person enough to not let them know certain things. Best believe they are doing the same to you, their mindset is, it’s only cheating if one is caught and in making sure you don’t get caught, if you decide to do it, is in a way a form of respect.
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“I can’t control what my girl does, just like she can’t control what I do…I can never know what she does when my back is turned…just as long as she respects me enough to do everything possible to NOT LET ME FIND OUT, then she’s all good….if I find out, that means she was sloppy and didn’t give a f*ck, so f*ck her anyway…” —A Dude
Statistics even show that women cheat as much and at times even more than men, they are just better at lying about it. Click here, for the ‘Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat’…and here for another woman’s article called “Why I Cheated”
“According to Dr David Holmes, a psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, women are having more affairs than ever – recent studies say the figure is around 20 per cent for men and a bit over 15 per cent for women – but they behave very differently from men when they cheat.
‘The biggest difference is that women are much better at keeping their affairs secret,’ he says. ‘If you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 per cent of children haven’t been fathered by the man who thinks he’s the biological parent.’
The truth is that we have always lied about our sex lives.When studies about sexual partners or fidelity use a mixture of face-to-face interviews and anonymous computer questionnaires, men will give the same answers to both, but women will report much higher numbers when the answers are anonymous. Why do women lie? Because we must, and because we can. In spite of apparent equality and a more sexually open society, we are still more harshly judged for our sex lives than men.
But we also lie naturally and instinctively, as a way to manage and control our relationships, to protect our partners and our families, and to keep our options open. In fact, we lie so much and for so many reasons that often we don’t even think of it as lying at all, but as ‘relationship management’. Women are taught to lie from childhood. Those simple, altruistic lies such as saying we’ve had a lovely time when we haven’t, that someone looks nice when she doesn’t, or that we’re delighted with a gift we don’t really like, are just some of the small ways that lying oils the wheels of our social lives, keeps the peace, and makes other people happy.
Girls will lie to protect someone’s feelings or to build a relationship. Honesty, in these circumstances, looks highly overrated, and we quickly learn the value and power of being economical with the truth in relationships.
Many women also develop a habit of secrecy about smaller issues in their relationship as a way of maintaining some kind of control. It’s common, for example, for women to lie to their partners about how much money they have spent – even when they don’t need to. “–The Daily Mail News site
“If you’re a female, like most other females, prior to cheating on your partner you always proclaimed yourself to be “not the type” who would ever cheat. However, also like most other females, after they have cheated, you’re shocked and appalled by your behavior; but at the same time you can’t stop cheating.”
When I was younger I didn’t understand why so many of my friends and guys I knew hated for their women to talk on the phone with other guys or be “just friends” with guys. I thought they were just being insecure and any girl that they wifed, they should have the trust in them to know that their girl wouldn’t slip up. But people are people and people slip at times, while some of these guys were tripping on their girls for no reason I did see other relationships completely fail because the girl “got caught up” in her feelings for some “buddy” who was there to say just the right things at the right time. Hell, even when I use to play Mr.Homewrecker, I saw the pattern that would occur. Me and the girl would be cool, I’d flirt, she’d flirt back in fun and eventually if we kept in touch (became “friends”) and I just kept saying the right things (not even against her man, just the right things he wasn’t saying to her), eventually things that didn’t get on her nerves as much about her dude started to, next thing you know the slightest thing he did would irk the piss out of her and she’d request “space” from her dude (space = my penis)…why? Because a new interest was forming that she wasn’t being responsible enough to counteract. I knew the differences between the girls that wouldn’t budge on their men and the ones that would. The ones that wouldn’t budge accepted no advances from me whatsoever, didn’t take my number, barely talked to me about anything that wasn’t business and brought their boyfriend up enough for me to not even have an interest in trying anymore. Not saying every girl should follow this, but it worked (hell, more men should follow this as a matter of fact). ANY woman that gives her number out to some guy they met on the street tossing that tired “can you have friends?” line at them, were most likely going to cheat, straight up….what sucks is the guys that were playing the “friend” role were the ones more likely to pounce if the opportunity presented itself. The fact and slightly insecure notion that you can never know which guys are plotting on your girl from the inside and who aren’t aids to the paranoia that’s placed in guys that are use to getting screwed over by women or the ones that hear all of the horror stories from uncles, cousins, big brothers, etc. Roll this into the stats above and you get guys that are literally afraid to fully commit. They won’t call it fear, because fear is associated with weakness as well as it’s something that can’t be controlled, two things that men hate to accept (control issues & weakness). These afraid to commit men would rather play the field to cover their own asses just in case the woman is being ‘sneaky’, it’s almost like they are trying to protect their heartbreak by striking first, some women will call them cowards, which may be true, but back to the different wiring..women are conditioned to want relationships, men aren’t. So even though women deal with these same fears on their end towards men, a woman will more likely still hop into relationship after relationship while the man will probably just hop into bed after bed as a coping mechanism. Relationships and commitment for many men are just a means to either A) Keep the girl he likes on a leash, but not himself B) Make the girl he likes happy, even if he isn’t ready C) He really wants only her. The “C” guy is who women are craving, but the “As” and “Bs” are who they keep running into. Many cheating men use this fear and insecurity as the gasoline that drives their infidelity.
Whatever the man’s reasons are for continuous cheating (whether it’s GREED or FEAR), you’re only the victim if you allow it. You can only cry rape so many times before it’s really you accepting the f**k. Most people lie in relationships not to cause harm, but more likely to avoid arguments and to avoid causing pain. Life isn’t black and white, and in trying to have a perfect relationship with two imperfect beings grey will always reign supreme. Just pick the shade of gray that compliments you and have at it….that doesn’t mean cheat, that means do you, be honest and take care of self…whatever that means to you.
Cheating vs Cheated
Now, there’s a difference between a cheating man and your average man whose slipped up. Not every man is a ‘cheater’ but here’s some reasons that guys that usually don’t cheat or didn’t expect to cheat, actually go through with it according to marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, the author of “The Truth About Cheating.” And for these guys, it’s not really about the SEX.
“”It’s not about blaming the wife. It can’t be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It’s wrong. And you can’t justify it. My book is about one thing. It’s really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it’s not just about stopping tragedy. It’s about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship.” —M. Gary Neuman
1) Emotional Disconnection: What’s the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn’t primarily about the sex. “The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures, Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.”
Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. “That insecurity was really the catalyst,” he says. “I didn’t feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife.”
“The other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. “[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired, Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they’re insecure like everybody else. They’re searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued.”
2) Men love winning: “They love to win, does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they’re in the game, even to the very end, they’ll watch. Once it’s a blowout and they know their team can’t win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, ‘I just felt like I couldn’t win.’ Now they might not have been great guys to live with, I’m not saying it’s her fault, again. But if you want to secure your relationship and understand and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they’re winning with the things that they do for you.”
NO, I’m not trying to give men a license to cheat, I’m trying to give women more of an insight into the mindset of those that do. Accept it or not, but it’s going to stay true that it’s harder, just based on the way that society conditions boys and girls differently, for a man to discipline himself to be faithful. Hell, many don’t even understand that once the title is on and the commitment has been made, a discipline must be enforced that starts with self. Some even argue that according to genetics, it isn’t natural for man to be faithful. Without getting into all of that, I’ll just say it IS meant for man to be strong if nothing else. If you’re too weak to walk the faithful line don’t lie to yourself. There’s no shame in honesty. But women, understand that if you have a man that believes that he is strong enough to walk the straight line with you, but he falters…that doesn’t make him the devil, his actions just didn’t match his intent. If he’s worth it, give that man another shot….if not, you know the alternative…
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Women…you CAN’T CHANGE a man’s nature…that’s his job…
TRUE COMMITMENT IS…
Last thing I want to touch on is true commitment. First of all, as stated earlier, YOU define your relationship. It’s between you and that other person only. Nothing your friends say, family, ex’s or anybody has to say should have any true merit in this experience and road that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your mate. So many times I hear people worrying about what everyone else has to say,or how he, she or whoever will judge them and blah blah blah….F**k em with spiked dildos as far as I’m concerned. Not saying that listening to your friends and family’s honest advice is a problem, sometimes GOOD outside advice, mediation and counseling can save your situation…just know how to discern what’s straight from the heart useable advice and what’s contamination. Sometimes, people can’t even tell themselves when they are contaminating someone else’s situation with their own b.s., baggage and issues. Usually, if it ain’t positive…it’s probably not good advice. Not saying it has to be what you want to hear, but it has to be coming from a positive place..you’ll know the difference…or at least be able to feel it.
I’ve seen a number of my friend’s and family’s relationships come and go. While some of em just weren’t meant to continue on, I can’t stand to see a relationship THROWN AWAY that could’ve really stood the test of time if both parties would’ve just worked at it, most importantly worked together. If you’ve fought it out and gone back and forth and back and forth and it’s the same old ish, it just isn’t working, you just can’t coexist whatsoever…fine, you tried….anything less than this though? Is a throw-away.
Being in a relationship is really teaching me, through trial by fire, what TRUE commitment is. True Commitment is FORGIVENESS. True Commitment is PATIENCE. True Commitment is HONEST. True Commitment is PAIN. True Commitment is UNDERSTANDING. So many people want someone to be with, then when they get a person that’s willing to really ride it out, as soon as the fire turns up they get to running. Soon as things get uncomfy, they get to hiding.You my friends….are pu$$ies. Yes, pu$$ies.
I’m not saying stick with someone that you no longer have an interest in at all, or that’s constantly unapologetically disrespecting you, or thats always verbally or physically abusing you or violating the terms of your commitment so much so that it’s become routine; no, staying with that person would be stupider than all of the people that actually pay Kim Kardashian millions to sit around, look pretty and be talentless.
Moreso, I’m saying if both parties really intend to be together, not together because of convenience or because of history but because you want to make a future…I’m talking ya’ll really have or strive to have that strong a$$ “I’ll be with you forever through thick and thin” type of connection and plan on getting married, living the dream, yadda yadda bam bam boom..then the first, second or 10th sign of fire shouldn’t be the absolute finito of your situation. People shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells in their relationships, afraid to say the wrong things or a fight will ensue ending everything. Arguments are part of the program, once again, some people may think this is common sense but you’d be amazed by the amount of people that end all of their loyal years due to pettiness. Or really, maybe you wouldn’t be amazed because I’m more than sure you know a few couples yourselves that broke up unnecessarily in the name of stupidity.
WHY commit if you’re going to back peddle once the “thin” of “thick and thin” rears its anorexic presence into your love life? Was it “through thick and thin” or was it “Through thick and thin as long as….” …you know “as long as he/she doesn’t tell me anything I don’t like, make me mad, hurt my feelings or make any mistakes…”
For old relationships, much props for sticking it out, if you’re thinking about throwing in the towel, think back to when everything was gravy and biscuits…is it worth it to throw away? Don’t get green grass confused with fertilizer or even worse…dog sh!t. For new relationships, yeah that first year is great, but what about year 3…year 5?…year 10? Are you ‘committed’ to go the distance, or is this just a temporary union? A “we’ll see” ‘commitment’. If you’re treating your relationship like it’s a lil gig or a hobby, quit now and be single for life. There’s nothing wrong with being single either, I loved being single, don’t think I’m saying it as a punishment, just saying know what it is you really want and not want it because it looks good on TV, or sounded good on that Trey Songz joint or what looks good when you see your potnah and his/her significant other going through their good times so now you want it to…nah. The good times only really rock after the bad times have been thwarted and conquered. If you expect someone to be down for you like this, want somebody to hold you down even when you’re being a complete b!tch? be faithful to you even when you haven’t been doing the same? Then you have to be ready to put it on the line as well, I don’t know any other eloquent ways to put it, no more paragraphs to stress it, it just is what it is…this is life we play with daily, time we ain’t getting back that we waste constantly. When the memories are made and all is said and done, IF you’re going to commit, give your 100% full self…sometimes you’ll be sh!tted on, sometimes you’re going to be wrong even when you don’t feel you’re wrong, sometimes you won’t be appreciated, sometimes things are just going to suck…but for every time like this, there’s 10 times more fun, 10 times bliss, 10 times more fulfillment and 10 times just more than what you’re probably use to feeling either being by yourself or being with everyone else and their mama’s mama/daddy’s daddy. My bias statement of course. If it doesn’t work out…if the other person couldn’t hang or if it got too much for you to bear, I mean after going through real hell style too much to bear…make sure that you know if no one else does that you tried your best, you gave it your all and you have ZERO regrets. No little voices in the back of your head, no “what ifs”…..ZERO REGRETS. That’s all I got on this, thank ya’ll for following my series..all and all I’m just tired of the sugar coating and the false expectations that people bring into their unions….tired of the whining and finger pointing. Life is too short for heart ache and angst people. Live it up, whether single, boo’d up, boy/girlfriended, engaged or married, LIVE IT UP….that’s all folks. Keep it 100 or die. I’m out *steps off soap box*
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